March 30, 2025 – The first kiss, on our 2nd-1st date, was fiery and Michael and I began to see each other every day after that. It was all so incredibly “romantic”! He would invite me over to watch an ocean sunset and have champagne and blankets ready for me (remember, it was January when we started dating). He would bring me coffee and his homemade protein shake every morning at 6am (before my kids were awake) and we would take sunrise walks around the island. We would go to sexy, romantic restaurants and spend hours in bed. (We still do all of this by the way :)) We talked a lot about the mystery and the magic of “falling in love” with someone. We uselessly tried to find the words to describe what was happening between us as we were both surprised at the undeniably powerful feelings we had and we wanted to be able to hold on to it. Holding onto it was key for us as we both, clearly, had not previously found success on the relationship front.:)
Michael and I realized that the English language is sorely lacking words to describe the different types and stages of relationships. When two people are dating they are often described as being in a “romantic” relationship. I was particularly interested in the word “romance”. Michael is honestly the most romantic man I have ever been with, but I wonder, is it him or is it something that comes naturally when two people have such strong feelings for one another? Experiencing this kind of “romance” in my new relationship especially piqued my curiosity because a few months before FP left, he leaned forward over a dinner table one night in Palm Springs and declared “I need more romance”. Huh? What did that mean? His declaration was not delivered with any caring or tenderness but more with annoyance and expectation. It was actually not a statement at all, but a thinly veiled demand. There were no declarations of love for me, no solutions offered, nor any ideas put forth to achieve this missing “romance”. At the time it very much felt like a request for ME to perform some kind of service for HIM and all I felt was anger. The night did not end well. I realized later that this conversation was not intended to bring us closer together but was simply a first step setting the table for him to leave the marriage. It was a not-so-cryptic message telling me that he wasn’t happy, while also saying that it was up to me to fix it. It was clear to me that he also didn’t actually intend to do anything about it. Still, I wondered what he thought he was asking for that night when he asked for more “romance”. He never really said. There was so much that needed to be said between us after such a long marriage. It’s fascinating to me that the only thing he chose to focus on that night was “romance”.
The dictionary definition of “romance” says it is a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love. It also states that it is a feeling of remoteness from everyday life associated with love. “A remoteness from everyday life”!! I hadn’t really thought of it that way but that makes so much sense! Falling in love takes you over and gives you a high. A dopamine hit like a drug that removes you from the mundaneness of everyday life. I was currently in this stage and it is a really fun ride! “Romance” is the noun and “romantic” is the adjective. If something is defined as “romantic” it is “characterized by the expression of love or an idealized view of reality”. THIS, I thought, is what FP was asking for! He wanted an idealized version of our relationship. A version not grounded in the reality and complexities of our very human relationship and life with two children. He didn’t like where we ended up and he wanted the fun and the excitement back. I mean who doesn’t want a fantasy life instead of real life?! It’s why “romance” is such a huge part of the stories we tell to entertain ourselves. Classic literature, fairy tales and Disney endlessly portray “romantic” tales although they aren’t much help understanding the term “romance” because they seem to mostly distill “romance” down to red roses, candlelight and a dance, lol. Still, it is understandable why we all like to escape into the idea of an easy happily-ever-after romantic ending. Real life is just a little more complicated than that.
“Romance”, and “romantic” gestures, such as bringing someone flowers, are merely the outward expressions of deep feelings for one another. The internal feelings are everything! You can’t have “romance” without internal warm feelings of love. Even non-romantic activities such as playing Scrabble can become “romantic” when done with the person for whom you have deep feelings. So why does the “romance” part of a relationship so often die, as it clearly did for FP and I? I’ve come to the conclusion that at the beginning of a relationship chemistry alone can carry the “romance” because there is so much “mystery and excitement”, but as the relationship progresses the mystery lessens and, thus, the potential for romance lessens as well. Call me dreamy and overly hopeful but I do believe that “romance” can have longevity with two people who continually care about, and take care of, each other and the relationship. In an emotionally clean, healthy relationship, while the mystery may be lessening, the emotional intimacy is growing and this, I believe, can keep the excitement and, thus, the “romance” alive.
I love the book “How To Love Better” by Yung Pueblo, which I was drawn to read because clearly something went wrong with FP and I didn’t want to make the same mistakes with Michael. According to Yung Pueblo, intimacy requires caring for each other with growth, kindness and compassion. It is a simple concept, but not easy to do when each of us carries around our own subconscious childhood traumas. These traumas need to be left at the door and not brought into our romantic relationships. Yet, that is exactly what we all do. We haul our unresolved traumas right into our relationship and lay them at our unsuspecting partner’s feet. No wonder relationships are so hard. I also love The Holistic Psychologist, Dr. Nicole LaPera, and her book ”How To Do The Work”. These two books together really helped me understand why my marriage didn’t stand a chance, and also what Michael and I could do differently to give us the very best chance of making our love and “romance” last.
All of this begs the Million Dollar Question: What IS the formula for longevity of “romance” and love in a relationship? This is what I came up with:
Chemistry & Connection come first > Then Dating and Magical Romance based on newness, mystery and excitement > Then Emotional Intimacy* and Mature Romance based on mutual growth, kindness and compassion (Yung Pueblo) > Then Decisions are made to build a life together and be a team to ride life’s inevitable ups and downs together.
*True, deep emotional intimacy requires self-awareness and trauma healing. I think so many of us make the decision to get married and build a life together based only on Chemistry and Romance. We didn’t know about Emotional Intimacy, what it is and what the fundamental ingredients are. What I can see now, based on the failure of my own marriage, is that Emotional Intimacy is the foundation of a connected, fulfilling, romantic, long-lasting Relationship (this is not just any relationship, it is a Relationship with a capital R!).
Back in Palm Springs, I’m pretty certain that FP was not asking for more candles and slow dancing when he said he “needed more romance”. I think what he was really wanting was that new, mysterious, exciting feeling. I was 24 when we met, he was 5 years older and I worshiped him. We both had a lot of unhealed trauma from our childhoods that we did NOT check at the door. Instead we just hauled it all right across that threshold and dumped it all right onto each other and, sadly, continued to do so for 30 years. I can see that while FP and I had strong chemistry and a strong connection from the beginning, we got stuck there and never progressed any further. Poor FP, he sat in front of me that night asking for the impossible. One can’t ask for “romance” when you have not kept the initial connection alive and fostered the foundational emotional intimacy that is required for a more mature “romance”.
Our marriage counselor used to say that a relationship was like a 3-legged stool – in order to stay upright it needed all three legs: trust, respect and communication. Sadly, I would never let myself see that we didn’t have any of them. I was in love and I loved him and I thought that that was enough. We were really good at keeping our lives really busy and fun to cover up all the things that were missing between us. I guess once the mystery and excitement (“romance”) died, we were simply able to survive in a really shallow place based on the initial chemistry and connection for a really long time. Until, over the years, the distrust, contempt and resentment just overtook anything good we had and it was over.
As for Michael and I, our “romance” is still going strong. We are in love, in the fun of it all and planning our future together. We talk about what it will take to make “Us” work and we are both equally committed to checking our traumas at the door. We are both also committed to Growth, Kindness and Compassion for ourselves and for each other. I’ll keep you posted but I have learned a lot from Yung Pueblo and Dr. Pera, and after 30 years of doing it all wrong, I feel good about our chances :).
xo,
Renee
The drought was the very worst
When the flowers that we’d grown together
died of thirst.
-Taylor Swift
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